Phase 1: find an island and infiltrate it. I figure if I get super drunk and start waving my dick at anyone who tries to remove me they’ll be too terrified/sad to stop me.
Phase 2: I’ll give metal dentures to crack heads and pay them to bite anyone trying to get on the island (that’ll be my thing, having people bitten by diseased crack heads.)
Phase 3: I’ll go to home depot and pick up a bunch of unattended children- they’re like mexicans but they work for cheaper and they’re super easy to get into a windowless supervillain van. I’ll make the one with the most construction experience my foreman and have him oversee the construction of my skull lair.
Phase 4: Kidnap scientists and have them develop doomsday weapons. I’ve done so many things to Stephen Hawking I can’t get near him anymore so I’m thinking Mythbusters. Adam is wiry and could definitely kick my ass, Jamie is kind of doughy but his moustache leads me to believe he has killed, so I’m thinking maybe Grant. He’s asian and they tend to fit the best into burlap sacks.
Phase 5: Point a gun at Neil Patrick Harris and scream “Habeas Corpus” seven times, this will legally make him my lawyer for when I have to explain the missing children covered in bite marks and working in unsafe conditions. This is the most risky part because according to this napkin I’ve scribbled my plan on Neil Patrick Harris is likely surrounded by ninjas at all times.
Phase 6: By this point I’ll have realistically become some combination of drunk, tasered, and arrested so I won’t bother to plan further ahead.